by Joseph E. Thompson
BEVERLY (VIA REUTERS) - Kerry Murphy Healey, acting on what she termed "incontrovertible evidence" from various local and Washington sources, accused Democratic gubernatorial candidate Deval Patrick of hiding weapons of mass destruction in the basement of his home in Milton, thus posing an imminent threat to towns ranging from white enclaves in Dorchester to all of North Shore horsey country.
Ms. Healey made her announcement this morning from the turret of her mansion in Pride's Crossing.
When queried on the cause of her suspicions, Ms. Healey cited Mr. Patrick's record as a civil rights attorney. “Those he chose to defend, whether free or incarcerated are prime candidates for conversion to terrorist activities. The question is: do we want to elect a man who supports them as our governor?
At this writing Pride's Crossing police are examining chemistry sets found in Patrick’s cellar. His protests that they are left over both from his daughters’ high school classes and his own at Milton Academy were said by Ms. Healey to be” obvious subterfuge.”
Ms. Healey went on to tie her own candidacy to the security of the people of Massachusetts:
"Deval has no credibility when he claims that our justice system depends on effective advocacy for the accused and convicted as well as for the state. Guilt schmilt!" Healey declared. " As we have come to know - particularly over the past six years - civil rights is a concept wholly inconsistent with Republican values. This is a slam-dunk. Deval Patrick and his Milton basement are a clear threat to our way of life here in Pride's Crossing as well the liberty of the entire Commonwealth. (And, if that doesn’t ring true, then Deval also stands for the rape and pillage of every pinched-faced blond woman east of Albany.) I want to assure my fellow citizens that , once I am governor, guilt or innocence will be established long before trial and without the interference of messy constitutional issues.”
Patrick responded that if Healey would come down from her high horse and actually visit Milton, he would be happy to show her his basement. He also volunteered to clear off the ping-pong table and invited Healey – in the spirit of bipartisanship – to play doubles with his family.
“This is a matter that should be debated one on one,” Healey retorted, “and anyway, Deval is obviously too out of step with the mainstream to understand that if I got off my horse, I would be stuck in the house all day. Who would want that?”
While she did seem open to ping-pong, she remained adamant about horse lovers’ rights.
“My election as governor would not only eliminate the chemical weapons in Milton, but also balance the interests of five day commuters with those who can perform dressage more than one morning a week.”
According to Prides Crossing Police, no arrests are immanent, but the situation is being closely monitored by the North Shore Defense Department and the Large Animal Rescue League.
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